Wednesday, June 5, 2013

My downward spiral

This post is slightly different than some of my other posts on here and is closer to something I would write in a journal.  But I feel comfortable sharing on here while being vague in other areas that I don't want to fully talk about.

I haven't updated in awhile due to a number of reasons.  Work has gotten a lot busier, I've been using my free time in other ways, but mainly because I'm going through another depression cycle again.  This was brought on due to some careless decisions on my part and the guilt/shame that came after them.  It was made even worse when a close friend of mine had some other issues that affected me too.  Although friends and family tell me not to blame myself for other's actions, I can't help but backtrack in my mind to different occurrences in the past that I should have seen as a problem or cry for help but I didn't.

Anyways, my depression has caused great anguish on me and my parents.  I've taken to going over to their house every weekend and bringing my laptop with me so I can work from home.  Being around family has helped me a lot and I am finally getting help from a new doctor that I saw Monday.  Even though it was only the first appointment, I feel really great about this doctor and how she cares for her patients.  She set out a plan for me for things to work on along with changing some of my medicine.  I haven't been successful on everything yet but feel I am making some progress.

My apartment had been a complete mess during the past month and I need to organize and clean.  My aquarium became overgrown with algae but I have since gotten rid of it though I did lose 2 neon tetras.  Last week I finally made progress in getting a doctor and finishing my taxes that I filed for an extension last month.  The other problem that has made it more difficult to get stuff done around the apartment has been the change in my work schedule.  Instead of working from 9 AM - 5:30 or 6 PM, I now come in from 12 PM - 9 PM.  So when I get off of work, I am tired and don't feel like doing much.  In the morning, I have taken to getting up late around 10:30 or 11 AM which gives me little time for much else other than getting ready for work.  I need to force myself to wake up earlier in the day so I can get more accomplished in the mornings.

This hasn't been easy to talk about or write but it has helped me come to terms with my situation and makes me realize that I have family and friends that I can rely on in my times of trouble.

I hope this didn't seem like a long rambling post that didn't stick to a point.  I guess the main thing I am trying to say is that I know that I have a mental health problem and that I need to take the necessary steps to improve myself and my outlook on life.